Everyone I know goes away in the end

It’s been over a month since I’ve been able to put finger to keyboard and write anything here. It was all getting a bit too dark and words were simply inadequate to describe the rapids. Writing is therapy but like being caught in barbed wire. Life will never return to normal, because that had a mum at the centre of it. These days I busy myself with the grind of life, filling my diary and trying to make the best of the black clouds that still wrap around like kelp forests. I feel submerged in grief at times, gasping for air. There is a hole but there will never be light at the end of the tunnel. At best I can hope for an easy passage until I too cross the Styx. Life is a more futile race than ever but Doreen didn’t sweat blood to raise me to quit, so I won’t. I am no Billy or Alexander despite understanding their reasons better than most. I am a belt without a buckle, a jar with no lid, incomplete.

Travelling the globe was a sun kissed tonic etched like crystal with love and kindness. My friends and family have been amazing and some light has returned. My surface creases as it reshapes and adapts to the new colours.

One day in Auckland I walked along a beach with a beautiful little girl called Evie. The world was blazing with the blue hues of summer. Cares disappeared like the gentle breakers that streaked the sand, shells emerging like treasure to be added to our trove. ‘Your mummy is in heaven. Ask the sun. The sun is looking after your mummy.’ I will never forget that day, the wisdom of innocence and the beauty of the human spirit; thank you Evie.

Hurt

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/o22eIJDtKho&source=uds&autoplay=1

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything