Beyond the Sun

Tuesday saw summer dust forming recognisable shapes after weeks of opacity. But the day started with a sense of dread as my hand snaked for the alarm in the darkness. The drive to Hastings was spent churning in thought for 90 minutes in rain and rush hour traffic but I chose to keep calm and carry on. The morning was actually better than expected (despite half the class having disappeared since last week) and my spirits brightened a little as I tucked into a lunchtime baguette. However my afternoon tutor’s random, dismissive, breakneck pace trampled the green shoots, driving me once more to distraction. An unexpected fire alarm gave brief respite but as I stood outside all I could think of was walking away. The all clear beckoned us back to our desks and in minutes I was a seething, stress ball of frustration once again. I left the class feeling despondent but still clinging to a vestige of hope that things could get better.

The journey home gave me the luxury of thinking space to decipher the day and align thoughts whilst falling under the spell of Bat for Lashes ‘The Haunted Man’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ9gv5VMksM

 

By the time Martha had landed me safely on the drive I had made my decision to leave the course. Life really is too short to lose 155 hours feeling bored or frustrated. Although my hopes of being stimulated and inspired had flat lined there was solace to be had with Radio Reverb and plans for Christmas specials and features over the coming months. I would learn by doing and teach myself the intricacies of Pro Tools 10. Sometimes it takes a detour to reach the right path.

Wednesday brought autumnal blue skies and a clear head; the shelves of my mind racked and tidy once more. With a sense of hope Martha sped me north to see the person I love more deeply than any other, the inimitable Doreen Alice. The journey was the usual trip wire mix of road works, speed traps and stop and start which make 21^st century travel such a pleasure.  Battles proved the ideal soundtrack to my journey and ‘Futura’ synced divinely as I drifted across lanes to merge with the bloodstream of the M25 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-rvJsH_WcU

 

I arrived in Northampton just after 12 and as usual was shocked by the Jesus Army takeover of the old ABC Cinema and the creeping deprivation of the Kettering Road. This must be the place I waited years to leave http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK9_pViBWNY

 

Mum was frail but her hair was tidy; a litmus test which always reassures me. The state of the house was a concern, clutter, dust and a kitchen in need of urgent attention but I have resigned myself to keeping quiet and just accepting lifestyle choices. As long as she and Colin are healthy and happy I’ll be quiet unless I see danger. Whilst Colin made lunch I sat by mum’s side and stroked her arm as she nibbled biscuits and drifted into sleep. Nothing in this world is more precious to me and nothing more terrifying than the thought of losing her one day. It would be a solar system without a sun; life would wither and die. Billy Mackenzie and Alistair McQueen chose to follow Lily and Joyce after their passing and sometimes I feel the same pull. Perhaps the bond between a gay son and his mother dictates this. As selfish as it may appear, would there be any reason to continue in a world without sunshine? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YmBYcEGlok

 

Beyond the sun
We'll find a new eclipse
Treasured as one
Oceans of crystal ships
What are we going through
What are we going to do
Help me to understand
While others seem to plan
Beyond the sun.

‘Don’t get upset’ broke my reverie. Mum had woken to see quiet tears snaking down my face. ‘I love you so much’ she said as her hand embraced mine. We joined in a womb of closeness exclusive to a mother and child. Love does not express that feeling of oneness.

 

Barbara Hepworth - Mother & Child

The drive home was fairly smooth despite rush hour madness and tail gating commuters. I cried periodically as I  thought about the day but survived and immediately called mum to confirm my safe arrival. The warmth of her voice had me welling up once more and I vowed to see her more often whilst there is still time.