The End of a Love Affair

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nH3Z4I07NQ

I had a very peculiar day in the end. I guess that was inevitable considering the mood I was in. By this time of the year work has squeezed the life & soul out of me, & that combined with more hen trauma set the scene. Hanging out with Elsa & Holden was as usual a lovely highlight but after that short burst of sunshine turbulence returned.



I have fond memories of Pride when there were just a few hundred of us marching through town, feeling a bit vulnerable & hoping that no one threw a missile. We’d end up in Queens Park or the Level, share food & just hang out. 

Inevitably times have changed but sadly the reason why we marched and the sense of camaraderie I used to have seems to have been crushed by sponsorship and hedonism. Don’t get me wrong, I am a champion hedonist & love to party but surely there’s more to being gay? I felt like a fish out of water in the park this year. I really wanted to be sucked in by the joy and scale of it; to be distracted for a few short hours in a dance tent. Sadly everywhere had a queue and so I retreated to a bar and paid £4 for a warm can of Fosters. On my next circuit I spied James for only the second time in two years. My heart skipped more from shock than anything but quickly calmed to indifference and curiosity. He seemed happy enough surrounded by friends and laughing. Good for him & good for me too. There was never much depth when all’s said and done and we’d have floundered sooner or later. Sooner was better J

The song ‘It’s Easier’ by John Grant always transports me back to the dark days of 2010 when storms raged and tore through my picket fences. I knew then that when this song lost its power to make me cry I’d be healed. That time is now & no stain remains.

I don't know who I thought I was
I guess I tried to love you, because I thought I could afford
To take the risk and take a chance
I do not know who I thought I was fooling
I must have felt invincible in your arms, like I could take
the whole world on

But it's easier for me, to believe that you are lying to me, when you say you love me
and when you say you need me, yes it's easier for me to walk away and get on with my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RykflBJu5m4

Emboldened by my reaction to James I headed back to the ‘Man Tent’ and probed for a way in. To my astonishment I found myself stationed immediately behind Andrew. Now this was a whole new kettle of fish. 24 May 1998 remains one of the worst days of my life. 14 years on my regret and remorse has never eroded but instead has chipped & flaked with time. Perhaps Andrew was (is) the love of my life but there’s no going back and like the dance tent, no way back in. I decided to leave and memories of Prides past, happier and less complicated days filtered through my mind. Love is a many splendored thing they say. This one’s for you, the 25^th slipped away...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9lmKyn7_cU